On Fighting Yourself

I am tired.

Do you ever get that way, too?  I met with my life coach this evening and I told her that – but used the word “depleted”.  These past couple of weeks have kicked my ass.  I feel like all I’m doing is correcting my thoughts (think this not THAT) and fighting emotions.

I’m fighting old stories and thought patterns.  I’m fighting emotions that are tied to people I work with and my job and what it might mean if I leave that job.  I’m fighting getting up earlier in the morning and going to bed earlier.  I’m fighting the desire to eat better and become more active.  I’m fighting how I spend money.  Basically, I’m fighting myself and GOD it sucks.

fighting yourself

I remember my seven-year-old self being told to not be so sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve because people will hurt me and take advantage of it.  I remember being harassed and bullied for having a significant over-bite and chubby.  I remember being told to stop being lazy and study so that I can get 100% on my spelling test instead of a 92%.  I remember being told we didn’t have the money to get those cookies or that doll because money didn’t grow on trees.  Or – how lean the months of January through May are for the family so stop asking for “extras”.

All these words.  ALL OF THEM – haunt me at my age of 47.  I constantly battle feeling confident when it comes to how I look and perform.  My self-worth sometimes can be easily undermined because of what a person (whom I may or may not care about) thinks of me.  I beat myself up for words I said that could be misconstrued.  I may lie awake at night because I went out for dinner and it was more expensive that originally planned.

What.The.Hell.

Today, my coach suggested taking my mirror work to another level.  A level that I’m really not comfortable with and honestly – it just brings me to tears.

Telling my seven-year-old self – It’s not OK.

It’s not ok that I was told to stop being so sensitive.  It’s not OK that I was told to study harder to get a better grade.  It’s not OK that I was bullied and judged for looking and being different.  It’s fucking not OK.

The kicker though tonight was really this, though.  It’s not OK to suffer 47-year-old me.

Even as I write this, the tears are flowing because I am suffering.  I’m suffering from loss.  I’m suffering from pettiness.  I’m suffering from the weight of my own emotions.  I’m fighting myself – arguing over whether I am good, smart, pretty, sexy, bright, money saving, creative ENOUGH.

Tonight, I don’t have answers.  I don’t have any solutions.  I guess, if you’re reading this post (and as I read it over and over, too) – I want you to know, I’m trying again tomorrow.  Progress over perfection.  Healing the layers to go to the next level takes time.  Fuck (can I say that here?)!  I just want this to be over already but it’s not.

So, what am I going to do about it?

Life is fucking messy and really, it’s hard.  I like when things are done and stay done.  Healing isn’t like that, though.  I hate that –  yet – in some ways it’s good.  Some of those hurts/traumas are so deep within me that the Divine knows I can only work through and deal with so much.  It’s like cleaning your home when it’s just FULL ON filthy and cluttered.  Pick a corner and start.  Just start.  Eventually, your home is clean – and then it starts getting cluttered again – but you catch it sooner, so it doesn’t take as long.

Cheers to catching it sooner – and knowing you’re fighting FOR yourself, not against.  xoxo

Fight for yourself

 

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