I’ve been awake since 1AM and now it’s after 4AM. Thanks, Insomnia.
Insomnia and I are old friends. My brain will wake from a deep slumber only to ruminate about life as it is. But is the perception of my life really “what it is” in the deep recesses of the night, when there is only darkness? That, my friends, is really the question we should ask ourselves.
As I have gotten older and made friends with Insomnia, I find that really what these very early wake up calls and thoughts that go through my head – really aren’t real. These thoughts about money, not being good enough, that argument I had with a dear friend so long ago, that terrible breakup with the last boyfriend – these thoughts come from my “fight or flight” part of my brain. The deep anxieties and old stories that my frontal lobe has hung onto because it’s protecting me. Or is it?
The brain is so intricate and deep. Since beginning my journey to become and befriend who I was created to be, I fight with myself. The fighting has become less and less over the years but it’s safe to say that the old me, the one my brain is used to working with, arrives at night. She needs to be acknowledged, she needs love, she needs forgiveness. I’ve learned it’s best to journal when these nights come around. Today, at 2AM, I finally gave up and wrote in my journal.
The journal entry today started out like it normally does. I mark the date and then I write – “What do you want to say to me? “. Then, I breathe in deep and ask that whatever comes is for my highest good. Sometimes, it’s a letter to that old boyfriend. Sometimes, it’s about a time where I messed up and need to forgive and love on myself. Today, however, my entry was about what I need to do in order to love me more.
It was almost like my hand was writing on it’s own volition. My brain wasn’t engaged but the words flowed from me. I need to protect and respect my energy by asking myself, “what do I need?” If I need quiet time at home alone, then respect that! If I need to write or create something, then do it! What I want to develop is a way to make friends with my heart and soul. I’ve made great progress with my mind and body this year; why not work on this?
So, I write to you with much hope. The journal is done and I moved on to create something in this medium. I encourage you to not be afraid, annoyed (usually where I am at on these nights), or ambivalent. Work to overcome those old stories, those anxious thoughts because really it’s the dead of night. Turn on the light. Open a notebook. Write. Release what you need. Finish.
I promise, sleep will come again. XO